I get tired of hearing nothing but sex comments all day. Particularly when I am already a little on edge. When I am already a little bitchy someone comes along and says something that is sexual and it just flat out pisses me off.
It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't an everyday thing with everyone who see's me. Everyday it's some new avenue to talk about sex. If it's not one thing it's another. One day it's my hair, someone talks about wanting to hang on to it. When I don't respond well to their lame attempts at flirting then I am a bitch. Se La Vie (is that how you say oh well? Anyway, you get the point..).
If its not my hair then its my butt, if it's not my butt then it's my attitude. If they aren't talking about riding me like a show pony then its all about maybe they can bottom for me. All the while I am listening to all these people say all these things and I can't even get a freaking decent conversation unless I am entertaining sexual content. I get so sick of it!
I know where I am and I don't expect anything less. However, even when I do get to have a real conversation it feels like it's been so long and I am anticipating the derogatory comment at any moment. Seriously though, I could be talking about my long lost dead dog and somebody will turn that, somehow someway into something sexual and it absolutely bothers me to my very core. It get s on my nerves so bad that the only time I get to have a real talk with anyone is my therapist and my Mother, Love ya Ma...
My therapist asks penetrating questions that dig into me, make me think. My Mother knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I am waiting to let others in. I am ripe for the picking for crying out loud and what is most offensive is that I am either hated altogether or I am somebody's fantasy. Heck of a perdicament.
Perhaps some kind person out there can help me build some realistic defenses? I could sure use some help. I am not the only one, this is with almost every LGBTI person in prison. We are the object of lust when we eat, when we shower, use the bathroom brush our teeth and God forbid we work out. We could be reading a book and someone will find even that 'sexy'. It's disturbing. LOL!
With Love
Jeff Utnage
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