I remember the first time that I realized there was such a thing as "gay". I was watching Jenny Jones when I played hookie from school. I was still in grade school and whenever I stayed home I religiously watched her. I remember the episode where the guy tells his best friend that he was in love with him.
My first reaction was to cheer for him, I kinda thought it was cool that it was possible to like the same sex. I didn't really say much to anyone about it, I think I said something to my Mother about the episode, I don't remember. I do remember the news that night when I heard that his best friend killed him over publicly embarrassing him on national tv.
That moment was highly impactful. I set the standard for myself that being gay was to not be disclosed because guys didn't like faggots. Then as I got older that was reinforced by the men in my life. Keep it hidden at all costs, its something to be ashamed of.
Then I come out, not as an act of love but as one of defeat. However, this is one of those moments that you hear the term "you have to lose your life in order to gain it". Well, I had to lose in order to win in this case. What I thought was an act of defeat has not become one of my proudest moments as a man. It took courage and strength that I thought I did not possess.
I am so proud to be gay that now I wear it like a badge of honor. I don't go throwing it in people's faces like a new Prada bag or a Black card, but I delight in being the man that I am today and that means being gay. I still see so many people being afraid to come out to the world around them. They will confide in me and a few others privately but coming out to the world is so scary to them still.
Judgement from others is scary, until you see the worst of it. Then, you slowly come to terms with the facts: others opinions of you just don't mean a damn thing. I have taken the very worst of judgements. I was given a life-time max on my sentence, judgement. I was disowned by my birth parent, judgement. People in here think that they are better than me all the time, judgement. I am at the very bottom of everyone's food chain in here, even the c/o's, judgement.
Bring me your worst and I will show you my best. I could honestly give a damn less who doesn't agree with my lifestyle anymore. You know why? Because I have seen the worst of that wrath and believe me its not that scary once you see just how its built. The only time anyone really hates you because of something you have done or something that you are it's because they see a little of themselves in you and they hate that you survive and move on and they do not. That simple, they hate themselves and its never fun by yourself.
I heard a saying the other day in the oddest place, it read "I Make Haters". That seems like it was meant for me directly. I make haters all day long. All I do is tell them I love them and that I love being gay, guess what, it turned a whole damned church against me, I got an entire religious sect divided as a result of my confidence in my homosexuality and the fact that God loves me because GOD made me. I won't even try to change it because there is nothing wrong with it.
Gay is good and that's that. Don't like it, then hate me, get in line cause I Make Haters.
Be proud of who you are L,G,B,T,I,GQ,Q,Q,P,A
lOVE YOU ALL
With Love
Jeff Utnage
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