Have you ever been attacked either verbally or physically for you sexual identity? How about unexpectedly for any reason? Does domestic abuse ring a bell?
Being victimized and feeling helpless to do anything about it is an awful feeling that I do not wish on anyone. If you have experienced this then you know exactly what I am talking about.
I have been moving on from my own experiences and what is most difficult is knowing that at one point I made someone else feel the exact same way that someone else made me feel. That makes me sick...
I can tell you that at one point I was so scared that my bowels emptied and my throat would not swallow anything, not even water for nearly three days. That, in case you didn't know, is a result of your amygdala dumping chemicals into your blood stream and preparing you physically for fight, flight, or freeze. Your body diverts energy away from your stomach and gut to send the resources into other vital areas of your body so that you can maintain energy during fight or flight. Kinda neat to think about in that context. Sucks that I actually experienced it.
The problem isn't the event itself, the problem is afterward when my threat response goes off without warning. Something triggers a chemical response, which triggers a physical response and then it takes me hours to refocus on the current moment. I hate that one incident caused so much pain...
I have this thing where I want to face all my fears. In my case I cannot, I would be very unsafe.
So, the question then becomes, how in the hell do I move on with life without letting these people ruin my life anymore. I say that I forgive them and I try to move on, and that placates me for a few days...that is, until I see someone who reminds me of them and then I fear all over again for a little while. Then I pray to God to help me forgive and thus the process repeats all over again.
Any advice from anyone who has actually done it???
With Love
Jeff Utnage
No comments:
Post a Comment