2-12-2016

Self Reinvention: Don't Be Afraid To Try!

I was always afraid to reinvent myself. What would be the consequences of trying to be different than what I was at the time? What would others think? What if I made this big attempt and failed? What would happen then? Would people not take me seriously anymore if I tried and failed? What if I didn't do it fast enough?
These are all questions I asked myself and more whenever I thought about becoming the man that I wanted. Sometimes I was only held back because I had no idea how to become that man at all. I was so afraid of who I was that I wasn't about to change anything so long as I didn't have to do any real self-exploration. For me the ultimate failure was being a homosexual male. That was just me, my walk, my thoughts.
But, something happens when you think that all hope is gone and ending it all just didn't work. I remember when I tried to commit suicide before coming to prison. I knew I was going, and rightfully so and I had a plan. I took a medicine that when taken in high doses is lethal. I did my best to calculate how long I had before the antidote was ineffective and took it and waited. Somewhere in the mix I started drinking because...well, I'm dying so why not and I waited.
I was eventually taken to the hospital and they forced treatment after the doctor wised up to what was going on. I will spare you the details but I will tell you this, when I figured out that I was going to live and that they gave me the anecdote on time I was furious. Then that fury gave way to self-pity and self-pity gave way to me having the epiphany that I was going to have to face me. Whether I liked it or not. I was here and I couldn't go anywhere.
After a few months of recovery I figured that the whole world hated me, my family all but left and who could blame them? After all I was a monster, I deserved that and more. I just finally came to the point that I might as well be just viciously honest, I had nothing left to lose. Since I no one liked me and I felt like the most hated man on the planet I may as well just go ahead and put the real me out there. Because if your going to not like me, your going to not like the real me. That was my punishment to myself, that I was going to be hated for the man that I knew I was.
But this amazing thing happened in that process. This whole ugly mess I found me, I was able to find me and look at myself, I mean really look at myself. There was this fantastic liberation that took place in my life when I was able to be honest and look people in the eye and tell them cold truth. No matter how much it hurt me, at least now I knew that I didn't have to lie any more because they hate me any way. So they may as well hate the truth...
I was an ugly man and had lots of messes to clean up. I am not done yet either, I have three children that one day I am going to have to answer to, and they have every reason to be just livid with me...no doubt about it. But until that day I know that I have this opportunity to become me, to reinvent myself as many times as I need to finally become good, in my eyes. Screw everyone else, I'm talking about being able to live with myself in harmony, that takes guts. That takes stamina.
I just want to encourage anyone out there who feels like the world is staring at them, anyone who has lied about everything and is trying to figure out how to balance themselves on those lies. That person who is behind them is not you, you are better then that. It is ok to find the qualities that you want in yourself and then implement them. Get around people who have them and start absorbing. Tell people what your doing and why, your testimony could be the difference in some one's life...you may even make a friend or two...someone who likes the real you! What a concept! I don't mean that harshly, I mean that in all seriousness, I mean real acceptance, for you!

Reinvent as much as you can, don't be afraid to evolve into a better person.