2-5-2016

Missing The Love Bug!

Part of a coping mechanism in prison is coming up with a routine that suits you. These can vary in many ways. Some guys are all about the gym and diet control or some guys are all about religion. We develop these routines because it's one of the few freedoms we get is what we do with our time.
My own personal routine is fairly simple. Every morning I wake up and get a cup of coffee, this is almost always around 5:30 am, then I use the restroom, then I read my Bible, one chapter in the Old Testament, The daily Proverb (there are 31 proverbs, I read the one that correlates with the months date.) and one New Testament scripture. Then I try and pray and watch television until count clears, then I come out to the day room and wait in line for the jpay, which is how I send these blog posts. This is a daily thing, and from there it just goes on until bedtime. I haven't looked to change it much over the years, it works for me, it's my go to...when all else seems to fail around me, my emotions, my body image, my goals and dreams keep slipping away..whatever, my routine re-grounds me every morning. It tells me that I am in control of what I do and how I feel...it's like starting over every day all over again. My foundation!
I haven't sought to change it until recently. I was walking down the tier to use the bathroom and there was a man, typically quiet cutting out heart shapes from paper. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was cutting out 143 hearts, and each heart had one word on it. Then he numbered each heart and sent them to his wife on the streets. Her valentines day "I Love You" letter was being sent to her that way. How romantic! That was my first thought, my second was "I wish I had someone to be creative for"
Love is something that is highly sought after here. Straight men do whatever they can to get "someone on the team" usually they are hustling insecure women to put money on their phones and buy them things. Their emotional needs being met in feeling they have someone to control. It's different with me, I am around lots of Valentines suitors. It's easier for a straight man to get through these times because there are no options for him to see unless they come in the form of a penpal, even then, they understand that there is no touching involved. So it's easier for them to control their sexual urges. For a gay man its harder because we have to look our sexual desires right in the eyes every morning. Every day I have to look at gorgeous men pass by and flirt with me and express their interest. All I can do is pass on, knowing that if I engage with them, I get in trouble...big trouble, in fact, I'd be thrown in the hole for it. Proof that homosexuality in prison is illegal...as long as you are practicing that is...sounds a lot like religion doesn't it? We love gays...as long as you aren't trying to be gay..LOL!
So I long for a boyfriend, someone to show affection to that I can be open about. Someone that I can date. Not like pretend dating but a real thing, where we look forward to seeing each other and write each other with that hormonal imbalance that comes with first dates and second dates...I want that again. I want be imbalanced for the sake of lust!!
Please, don't allow anyone to ruin Valentines Day this year for you. Enjoy it, please enjoy it for me, even if its giving a simple heart shaped piece of paper to someone that says Be My Valentine...do it for me...I could use the help!

With Love..

Jeff Utnage 823469