2-22-2016

This morning I am in a different place in my mind. For some reason things seem a little out of place in the world and I can't quite seem to put my finger on the difference. There is so much happening in our world today. Donald Trump is just smashing the competition in the presidential election, Apple is engaged in a moral fight and both sides seem to have valid points and I can't quite make up my mind on either of them, poisened water systems, crazy weather patterns and all kinds of threats of wars all around us. With our greatest threats remaining somewhat quiet at the moment the world seems just a little on the ominous side.
Then there is my personal life, it seems a little off too. Perhaps just a tooth off what is smooth. I am simply going through the motions every day. I am dog tired all the time, I am not regulating my food intake very well which is having an effect on my emotional state, I don't get very much contact with anyone outside these walls and it is starting to look like home. That's not good in my estimation because I have been locked up for 5 years now and there is always a little bit of institutionalization that goes along with doing time anywhere, but when I don't remember what it's like to be a free man...that's when things get tricky.
I have a birthday coming up in a few days, 2-25, and I haven't heard much family or friend wise. Which isn't to strange, my current outside contacts are fairly busy dealing with my mess and trying to put together their own lives, much less listen to me try and put together my own. I don't like my birthday to be celebrated, there isn't much to celebrate in it now.
I kind of have this thought. I have three children and I can't recognize their birthdays with them. It is gut wrenching. But, it's my own fault and doing that I cannot be there with them and that adds to the misery of watching their special days pass on by. Instead of my birthday being a happy day it brings on a unique kind of pain. I ca't in good spirits celebrate my birthday when the ones that I really care about I cannot...so it's a kind of punishment to myself I think that I dont like my own. Kind of a "since you can't celebrate your own childrens birthdays you can't celebrate your own you P.O.S."...I guess that's the real attitude I hold.
In truth I may be a little depressed, or alot depressed. I don't try and hide my emotions I typically let them run their course. In my past I would hide them, not really knowing how to deal with them, so everything came out in poor-me's and fits of anger. So dealing with the rainbow of emotions that all of us have is a new thing for me...in fact, just in the past five years or so. I was good at anger, bad at grief, or kindness...they seem like figments of my imagination.
Then I can't seem to get past these walls with my mind. I reach out and I have a hand held out for help and no one is taking it. I am drowning here and everyone seems content to watch it happen. So I am trying to save myself and not let this place take me completely. I don't want to immerse myself in this culture...it's disgusting and morbid. I want a new life outside of here, with new friends and loved that I can learn from, assist etc.

Just some thoughts, not very inspiring but that's the thoughts of the day. I guess I am the one who needs inspiring today.

With Love

Jeff Utnage