2-14-2016

Good Reasons To Never Come To Prison:

There are obvious reasons not to come to prison. There are the typical things that you hear about on tv and hear from the people that didn't really spend any time here. But there are some not so obvious things that just drive you nuts. Here are a few of them, just for fun.

1) Because you might have to hide meat sticks in your boots.
This comes from an old cellmate of mine. He would buy store and then guys would come to our door and start window shopping. All of his store was out on the shelf and he was blind, so it was difficult for him to manage who was looking at his stuff and who wasn't. So we would stick our boots and extra shoes on the top shelf and stuff them full of the most sought after products, like meat sticks. Nothing like having to pull your boots down to get your dinner.
2) Because you may be taking the best crap of your life, but the guy next to you could be having the best meal, on the pot.
This is true for most guys that work prison factories that make food. They'll steal food and stick it in their shirts and then pack it to the only no camera zone in the facility, the bathroom. Then they'll sit down on the pot and start munching their score. Meanwhile, your sitting down just crapping your guts out...awkward. It gets even better when they hold a piece out to you under the stall divider, LOL!
3) Because oils and baby powder aren't cover ups for bad body odor.
There is nothing like stepping outside and taking a big breath of fresh baby powder. I hate the smell of baby powder now, guys in here bath in that garbage and then walk around proud of it. Every step they take another "poof" of fresh powder from between their cheeks comes wafting out for the whole walkway to enjoy...thanks for that. Now the smell makes me gag...Then there is rose oil. There is a real winner. Have you ever gone to the grocery store and walked down the feminine hygiene products isle. Yeah, the tampons and all that, that smell is what these guys will put on to mask their pits. I have told them that they smell like a tampon, but they just giggle and walk on...gross!
4) Cayenne pepper doesn't like to be smuggled...
Your gonna like this...I learned my lesson abut stealing from the food factory. I tried to smuggle back a small package of cayenne pepper, I taped it up to my taint, the patch of skin between your testicles and rectum, and happily walked out. Then, like a trained monkey I grabbed a red pen and thought that would make a great addition to my stash of stolen goods between my legs and used my glove full of pepper as a pin cushion. Only I stuck the pen all the way through in haste. As I walked it worked its way out making it look like I had a small boner and left a hole in the rear of the glove, or right near my hole..yeah. Like every step was excruciating, step...puff...step....puff all the way back to my unit. It was awful. By the time I got back my rectum was swollen up and feeling like it just got maced, because that is exactly what happened. That was the last time I ever stole anything from the food factory. Since then I am proud to say that I have learned my lesson. Nothing like having to tell your cellmate that you have cayenne pepper and its burning and he needs to help you wash it out. BTW, if you ever mace your butt hole, use cold water and soap, NOT hot water...makes it worse..don't ask.

That's all for now. I have lots of memories like this one and I will continue to share with you all the woes and laughs of prison...

With Love,

Jeff Utnage 823469
H3-B-120-U
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520