3-11-2016

Fresh Eyes: When A New Perspective Introduces Itself

Yesterday was a day filled with emotions. Ups and downs and everything inbetween. I rode a high when I found out that the Superintendent has allowed an LGBTQ cultural event. In addition to another program that is going to be introduced for support and peer education. This is a big, big victory for me and the rest of the gay community here because I have been fighting, as is proof by this very website.
So it shouldn't have been a big surprise when someone that I don't know comes up to me and asks me the following: "your a Christian, right, and your gay right?" I say "yes", they then ask me "then why is it you follow a religion and call them brothers when they just told me that they hate you?"
Then my world crashes. I knew the man that he was talking about because a staff member had just talked to me about him and his vocal intolerance of homosexuality. I was hurt, very hurt because ten minutes prior to that knowledge we were friends. I attend church with him and have been very vocal about my struggles with trying to marry Christianity with Homosexuality.
But it wasn't just him. I lost many of my "brothers" yesterday when the news went around the compound that gays were getting a cultural event. They say things like "are you sure that's a good idea to let them around each other...you know, because there fags..." That was a real sentence that came out of their mouths. All of my friends that know me know that I am an advocate for marriage and celibacy until marriage. I believe in the unity of two people dedicating themselves to each other before they share their bodies. At least the attempt should be made to respect that.
Anyway, I came home hurt and depressed and started to feel sorry for myself that my struggle is so up and down. My emotional control seemed to be weak and that pisses me off even more. So I prayed, I love God and He loves me. I prayed to Him for help and guidance and He delivered. By the end of the night I had fresh eyes. I talked with my real friends and those who believe in me. I talked to an old man here who used to be a ballet dancer, he made me laugh. We talked about performing arts and how we could bring them here and all the looks we would get trying to wear tights in prison. Then my real friends and I talked about our latest problems and encouraged each other into reality. We say things like "don't let them ruin your day" and "I love you despite your flaws" you know the things that friends say.
This kind of support isn't easy to come by or develop. You have to be that support for other people. It can't go one way, nor should it. I have earned the respect of many because I have been fighting for my right to exist and no one has offered me a hand in that. Yet I do it anyway. No one is going to make me feel ashamed of my sexuality, no one, yet they try daily. I mean that literally, every day there is someone who tries to tell me that I don't deserve to live or that I am not going to heaven or that I should be repenting or that I should just PC up and leave this prison.
Staff doesn't help either, my CUS moved me to another side of the unit where I don't know anyone and have no support so I am left to meet my friends in public spaces. Where situations like last night I was left to cry in front of everyone, now everyone knows what makes me cry, why, becuase I was in a public space to vent my frusterations...like a spectacle. But it seems that is what some of them want to see. They want to see me struggle and in pain. Maybe it makes my CUS feel good to know that I am in pain and struggling with the men around me...

As for me, I went to bed last night happy and content that I am loved...despite having those who both love me and those who adamintly hate me....I get fresh eyes every morning with my serving of Grace...