3-4-2016

Put Yourself Out There

Hiding is for the dark. I am not dark, I am proudly in the light and on display. I don't mind if everyone knows my business. My flaws are my scars and I am ashamed of some and regret them deeply. However, they are there now and I can't change them, so here they are for display. I use them for mentorship and helping anyone who can benefit from them, that includes me. I am perhaps the lamest duck you will ever meet and maybe even the dullest tool you can look at or use. So maybe I need to see my scars, maybe I am the only one who benefits from them.
I am just so tired of always looking at myself as useless and non-beneficial. It's so easy to sit in this place and think to yourself that you are never going to be useful again. Every single day that goes by that you don't get mail or an email message or anything at all you reinforce that concept of "everyone's forgotten about you because you are worthless". Maybe all we got is our scars and we, maybe even just me, need to be able to think that my mistakes could change the course of life for someone else. 
I wish for no one to repeat my crimes, or life even. I hope that somebody out there can see my scars and say to themselves, it's time to get help, before I do something stupid. So let's put ourselves out there, maybe you could prevent a victim. In fact I can almost guarantee that you will.
I continually put myself out there as someone who doesn't have everything figured out and is looking for the righteous pathway to life. I may not have everything all put together yet, but I got more put together than most in here and I am ready to show someone else how to do that. So I will put myself out there. Just today, this very morning someone asked me what kind of blog I type on. I tell them that it is small and that I am fighting for LGBTQ rights in prison. I wait every time for the negative response. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this "Oh, you on the faggot s**t huh?" It's a negative concept to them to be gay. Just like back in the old days when father's first born was a girl instead of a boy he was let down. Like a woman was less exciting then a boy. I am no less a man because I am gay and I will not allow anyone to tell me or even hint at it. 
That man who I talked to this mornging thought that he was alone, he is bisexual and no one knew it but him, and now me. If I had not been willing to put my pride on the line and maybe get hurt feelings because of his judgement, I would not have known that.

anyway, don't be afraid to take chances socially. Be who you are and be it proudly. If you see someone who is struggling to find themselves, don't hesitate to pull up next to them and put yourself out there. You just might be the one and only person who can relate to them. Our families and friends draw strength from our strength and coming out and being proud of your sexuality and scars and not running from your mistakes but learning from them and using them as tools for anyone to use. You may just be the one to save a life.

Love youself and with love from me, have a great day!

Jeff Utnage