5-1-2016

Give Me The Whole Truth

Accepting the truth in its entirety about anything can be heart-wrenching. For me it was...is. Just recently I had a visit with my Mother here in prison, which are the world to me, and the subject of the effects of my actions on my loved ones came up. It usually does and is initiated by me. I have questions like, will I ever be able to move beyond this man I was? Will I be stuck as a failure my whole life? But then those questions give way to more unselfish questions like will my loved ones ever recover? Will I ever be given forgiveness? Do I deserve it? Is it wrong of me to ask? Is it wrong of me to pray for it even? Is it selfish of me to pray for it?
These are the things that race through my mind. This is the hard stuff. It sucks when you hear something new about your past. Something that I didn't know was going on even and now that I know it...it sucks. There is this part of me that wants to live in this selfish bubble that dictates that everything is going to be just fine and everyone will forgive you if you do enough good to counteract the bad. This visit was the first time that I actually thought to myself "I have lost all hope of forgiveness". Upon further thought I can safely say "I have lost all rights to hope for forgiveness".
Hearing the ripple effects of the bad things you've done isnt easy to hear. In my case I am heart broken. Crushed and am fighting some serious depression that is trying to take over right this minute. But, if I didn't hear that, if I didn't know just how far reaching and serious the trauma was of my actions I would neglect to realize just how important it is to change. It sucked hearing that I was a terrible person and possibly ruined an entire lineage. If they succeed, it certainly wasn't because I did anything to help. I am thankful that these emotional wounds are on me because it lets me know that I am still feeling. I am still able to change because I can still empathize, I can still regret and feel shame and guilt.
I realize, perhaps for the first time, that tonight...I have lost my right to even want to be a father still. I gave up that right when I committed my crimes and those who put their trust and faith in me were directly effected as witnesses and innocent people were emotionally traumatized for life. Innocent people like my children. All I can do is think of how terribly sorry I am. I don't even know what to think. I had no idea it effected my boys so much. I had no intention of hurting anyone, not my daughter and not my boys. 
But, now I know that they are all angry and rightfully so. I am thankful that my Mother had the compassion to tell me just how hurt all of them were by my actions because I would rather know now and use that as fuel to effect change in my life. One day they will come looking for me. To get answers or tell me the depth of their hatred, or to forgive or whatever...and I am going to listen and be thankful for whatever comes out of them. Because at least they got to get it out on the one person who caused so much pain in their lives. I regret it so much. I can't even express it.

Well, I am going to use this as fuel to drive on. I have to move forward, through this and whatever tomorrow brings. Because I have a job to do now, I owe it to society, to my kids to help those whom I can before they create a victim, and I can.

Jeff Utnage