5-19-2016
Moving On From Traumatic Events
In this post I am going to talk about trauma and how I have personally overcame and am still overcoming it. This may work for you, it may not. I will say this as a disclaimer, do not deal with trauma alone. Open up to someone or a group of peers honestly and frankly. If you have been harboring traumatic events in your life, end the suffering and get help. This is what I did, hope it helps someone out there.
As a child I was sexually abused. Because of a string of perfectly aligned events I his he abuse. My Mother didn't know, no one knew. I was very young and my assaulters were one man and on another occasion two older teenage girls, I was about 4-5. 
The girls were especially traumatic on me because in addition to the physical assault there was harsh verbal attacks.
I his this for nearly 30 years. I never told a soul. I thought I had moved on, it didn't bother me, I was bigger then them now. I thought I dealt with it already, after all I didn't think about it every day and I wasn't showing signs of a traumatized kid, whatever that was. 
But why hadn't I told anyone yet? Its one thing to say you were abused as a child and to move on without detail, its another to actually talk about it. So when I finally did write about it, I was unsure at first why I was such a wreck emotionally. Then I took that writing and went to my therapist, which didn't know and read it to her.
That's when things came into perspective. I was angry, ashamed and hurt. I hadn't shown any of those feelings I hadn't let them run their course, ever. So we let them run their course. I was temperamental and touchy. Everything annoyed me suddenly and I told a good friend to kiss off over something trivial. I was ready go fight the world for about 3 days.
Then, as I voiced what was going on inside to trusted friends, those feelings began to dissipate and give way to the real emotions which were shame, sadness and fear. Then even those went away rather quickly. 
I am lucky enough that my life is surrounded by a team of support. Many of whom are ready and able to assist with this kind of trauma. But the only thing they did was let me know that I was grieving. Finally "dealing" with it. No longer harboring my trauma and in doing so, taking control of that mental space again. 
Today I feel freer and happier. More aware of what I have done and the effects of my actions and what I have to do in order to never return to this place and repay society and those I have hurt. 
I encourage everyone who has experienced trauma of any sort to get help. Even if its just talking about it, I promise you'll feel better.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469